That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
