mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
