I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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