She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
