You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
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