Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
