Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
