Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
