i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
