Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
