yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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