my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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