don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
