FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
