Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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