You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
