I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
