I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
