i think my mom watched the whole time
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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