I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
