If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
