I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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