i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
