its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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