1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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