I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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