Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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