Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think my vagina is haunted
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
