She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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