I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
