Your mouth is God's brothel.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
