im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
