My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
