When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
