My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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