hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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