My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
