I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
