I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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