i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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