Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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