God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
