She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
