Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
