i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
