There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
