Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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