Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
