I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
