Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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